Sunday, December 09, 2007

Thesis done

My thesis is almost done. The weighty head nodes once in flexion and once in extension. This heavy head is my guide's head. Of course it was expected earlier. but this is the time one can show his importance and priorities, and he did the same. I dont give a damn if i am late even. But there was a subconsious pain in the ass.

My status will be changed in the so called grand round. Grand rounds is no less than a army march. Only difference is here you march to watch the people. But in army people watch your march. no problem.

Oldies to Goldies in an order of less kissd ass to more licked ass is the hierarchy of grand round. The front liner is the exam going. A place even patient feels odd of seeing the educational smoothering. The most remarkable comment was made by a patient. "yin chota doctor ko kuch nahi aata sala mey to inhe ZEBRA samajta tha sala TRACKSUIT pahana huwa donkey nikal gaye."

Some questions and some critics penetrates deep in the bottom of the heart. Forget the pericardiun, myocardium and endoarcium it even pierces the nucleus inside WBC in the chamber of heart. Don't even think of blood.

One bed after another the hierarchy explodes, anger fraustrations and their submissive rivaleries brust into lectures. When we were residents......., when we were junior consultants.....? Heck.. who has stopped you dumbos from doing and taking part in patient care. If you want to see, come and see, after all they are your patient too. But i dont like vomiting lectures..that too in the mid of corridors. Its almost showing a red flag to the bull. Its not just a train that stops on red flag. It may hold the flag and the flag holder too. nobody is safe in a game called "DO AND DIE".

There is a system called EXAM after few days in our theatre. I feel the department a multiplex. Any time some new releases are carried on. Dont need to wait for friday for a release. A biassed cortex of mine finds exams as a rape of owns newly married wife being conducted by a neighbour to test the virginity in terms of 50 percent. and there are lot may audiences(--- bhut) who feels elated on victim's pain. shit ! verginity is cent percent. dumbos ! its all or none, not the 50 percent. and mind it you never tests verginity for your daughter who is geting married and leaving home. your job finishes once she leaves you, provided she is brought up well in your guidence. What is the need of exam if some one is trained under you for three years. this is all drama you can imagine off. Are the americans fool for quiting this system of assesment?

Ultimately, I am the odd and single. Who will listen my whisper? let the system run as they wish.. But this is the time the system needs refurbished.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

back in track.

At the back of my mind there plays something, at the mid of my heart there drowns is full of uncertatnity.. apart from being tensed off and freustrated for hours and hours, there is nothing new this week.

slowly my worries are lessened. fraustration seems fading. no more palpitation, a deep breath and no bad dreams.

i am trying to kep my life back in track. studies should be my priorities now. will try to finish few publications. duty as usal is cool these days. no more trauma cases in aiims. its good one way for me..but think at their side who has just joined the department. whatever its not my businnes.

next month is the new year. dont have any resolution yet. but i need to cut down my amount and cups of tea per day. its a mater of concern to me even. lets hope i could do it.

Friday, November 30, 2007

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This is how I was struggling last week. Many sleepless night….. Full time working days and stressful weekends. Nobody bothers what is happening with the people around. I was almost dreaming on day itself. No adequate sleep, skipping meals, dehydrated, not shaven since ages, and of course no bath. Last week was a horror week as usual to the post graduate in South East Asia, Where residency is as equivalent as slavery. Yes sir!, ok sir!, sure sir!, my pleasure * , these are the slangs mostly used. The lesson of slavery taught long time back by British still prevails. The same way, the old rum in the new bottle. Same taste, same kick, but in a different packaging.

Thesis, presentation, rounds seminars these are the most hatred by the residents. I don’t know about other but I do hate them most. These are the national playing sessions. The national game of leg pulling by a well read to non a read or vice versa, despite knowing the truth. Something crazy like showing a toffee to a baby inside womb in a hope it will come out soon. Crazy like walking upside down thinking pain in the ass..

While writing this article I remember Dr sikha’s article read last month regarding the medical interns and residents in India and south asia. Shika was an externist posted in the surgical casualty for a month rotation. Came all the way from England. Born and brought up in England. Cannot explain the cultural shock, she felt here amongst the medical fraternity. The day she landed she learned to say “sir”. The best institute she had dreamt off made her feel low and pathetic. She was unaware of the internal happenings and proceedings. Imagine for those who are in constant threat for years and surrenders everything for their a mere A 4 sized post graduate degree. Which he thinks, what makes him odd in the crowd….stand out.

This is nothing more than a frustrated cerebral cortex. A restless, not slept, adrenaline deprived, passive hypothalamus and sluggish limbic system. I was assured my job will be done today. A job of recovery of pain from the ass, a hopeless useless job of 100 pages craps, reminding a fool once again that I made you fool “THE THESIS”. Had I not been assured I would have not frustrated like I am. Just now I am not less than a street strain of rabies. But my pen is the only one to feel the virulence of it. I am helpless. somebody was busy he could not give time to his crap corrections so I was stucked. The corrections of alphabets, comprehension, and active to passive, noun to adjective. That is what the correction is. That too some one is busy and some one shows lack of interest. Some are yelling long and some not interested. Some are last moment guys though how grown up they are? Doctors to doctors or even profs…but the conclusion is ‘ too many cook spoils the food”

I don’t mind being late to submit the thesis. My only concern is again I have to start from ground 0. The same hiccough, same stories, same poor jokes, will strike my ear drum. Once again my ear drum will feel the vibration of never ending suggestions. I mind it being running after them showing my poor black teeth. Rather I mind to say yes sir, sure sir and blah blah……how long I can tolerate the same throbbing pain. All these are like bloody abscess. The early you drain it the better they follow you. Once again I have to console myself. But a broken shadow of mine which is the only friend of mine is warning me not to miss the target once you are blessed with occasions.

Hopefully things will settle down in coming days. A double edged sword gives you a scar both side. That’s what happening to me. I know it’s a never ending and expected to reoccur. But it does not explain that a rape victim needs to be raped every next moment assuming that to be a prostitute. I am not either of above bloody. Let the time come. Every interest of it will be accredited, rather a compound interest.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

once again i am here....still alive..

Not every day I get time to write. I thought of getting software which can convert word to text. Keep talking in the microphone and it will type as your need. Tried a lot to get it. At last got it but tired of training it. It’s trained for American people. Our accent stretches word like anything…. Not much of use especially a guy like me who started learning English in upper classes of my high school. A complete nepali medium school now exists nowhere because of poor performance in 10th. Government banned it for not performing in 10th . So Better type it in the speed the tortoise poses in the story we read in lower classes.

I heard of photo blog. But I don’t carry my digi cam always. The time I need it’s in the room. Sucks….some event are single time events in life. If caught reminds longer. So planning to buy a mobile with better resolution camera. But its too costly. And I am a bankrupt chap…..

Any way I got few photo graphs from my fren. She is a journalist. She cares more about all the things. Probably she collected from net only…. No problem regarding copy right…no one will sue me for using it in my blog..

The opposite pole of the picture with same meaning. The real value of water what could be…..i simply loved the photgraph…..nice humor…anyway thanks for sending me the photograph…..

Life is same… I am same…what can be expected next …time to take rest… I can but don’t want to awake more. A temporary voluntary death …..

Sunday, October 28, 2007

five point someone

This is the second time I read by Chetan Bhagat. First was the " one night at call center" and this is "Five point someone."

I did not find any great about one night at call center. but definitely some good in five point someone. and it goes like this.....

Five Point Someone is a story about three friends in IIT who are unable to cope.
The book starts with a disclaimer, "This is not a book to teach you how to get into IIT or even how to live in college. In fact, it describes how screwed up things can get if you don't think straight."

Three hostelmates - Alok, Hari and Ryan get off to a bad start in IIT - they screw up the first class quiz. And while they try to make amends, things only get worse. It takes them a while to realize: If you try and screw with the IIT system, it comes back to double screw you. Before they know it, they are at the lowest echelons of IIT society. They have a five-point-something GPA out of ten, ranking near the end of their class. This GPA is a tattoo that will remain with them, and come in the way of anything else that matters - their friendship, their future, their love life. While the world expects IITians to conquer the world, these guys are struggling to survive.

Will they make it? Do underperformers have a right to live? Can they show that they are not just a five-point-somebody but a five-point-someone?

I started late in the evening after food. was already tired. Still thought of finishing in one go. Somehow with small and wrinkling eyesIi finished it late in the morning. Got terrible headache. My astigmatism once gave me a kick, warned me not to strain my eyes. Whole Sunday my head was like just sustained a thunderclap. Watery eyes, frustrating headache, restlessness and what not. I think i need to evaluate whether it my astigmatism or a real migraine. If it is astigmatism it's ok but if migraine can't think off. whatever, its a bad headache.........

Things are going smoothly. Every single days I am counting and putting a cross in the calender. I am fade up with residency in India. Infact i am fade up with India stay. But its not a homesickness also. At the back of my mind i feel like not to join plastic surgery . No more India stay. cause where ever you go in India its almost the same system in residency in fact i don't like the system, hitting at the place where it hurts more this is what the consultants do. How can somebody imagine to hurt somebodies self respect and confidence. And at this age i don't want to join residency for free. I am already exploited like anything in the residency. Haha Haha..... I am doing residency for free. Paying tutuion fee and hostel fee but i am not getting stipend. I am doing just to get degree which cannot make me eat during residency though later after residency.

Saturday, October 27, 2007


At the mid of this crazy night I am writing something . I cannot sleep. Nor can I read. Try to remember my whole day. Starts from 7:30 am . wake up with burning eyes (cause I had just slept few hours back) tooth brush in one hand and soap case in another. Its just an example of saving precious time in fucking residency. Keep brushing while in the shitttt- room. Then next move is to the bathroom. A french bath and immediate ready to ward with a soothing white lapcoat, Which means a burden to me and a respect to my patients……Who come all the way from united state of bihar, jharkhand and uttar pradesh.

At 8 starts a so called round. For what the round is? The purpose of this round is still unclear to me. I have to accept at this point I have little brain. Some walking live ego on white lapcoat, the grey haired clean shaven so called consultants comes like an army march and flies like hurricane. This is what a round is. one of our patient used to tell me when I had just joined residency. Where ever the center of hurricane is but the destruction points are mostly residents or patients and sometimes interestingly the attendants. Once it is 9 I feel disheartened, disorganised, a victim of intellectual rape who can never complain of being raped for a mere degree. Try to balance my self and stitch the rents in the slefrespect what were created during round . An open threat of not knowing the basic of medical sciencs, not doing the works properly as if it sounds we have done wrong to patients and be ready to fail in the exam. Sometimes I feel medical centers are becoming a milti-storied academic brothels. This is how my day starts loosing confidence and self respect. Whom to complain I don’t know. There is nobody in this world except my pen which sometimes hesitate and ask ….hey dactorree? why don’t you fuck this fucking residency and get back to your previous life. 10 years back and now my pen has noticed a change in my life.

It sucks when I remember the OPD . same old people who come for any tom dick and harry problem to AIIMS. Mostly bihari baba and chachi and starts with “ dactar sab kamar ses dard chalu hoata hey aur gardan tak jata hai . marod marod kar pau tak . tis marta hai” I feel crazy to listen this. Write a history saving my ass and send for the x-ray. I have to be very concious in writing history cause next time who ever see this patient they will pick up the mistake as if he has diagnosed the disease and call you and scold - is this the way to write history and gives u a blank look ? as if he was a born intelligent.

Somehow I manage to finish OPD and prepare for special clinics, another way of harassing people of similar problem. Hand clinic scoliosis clinic ctev clinic. I never understand for what these clinics are opened. Lets say one visit on Monday with ctev . they are called on Friday and cast is given . bastard why he has to wait for 5 more days to get the same cast which can be given on Monday. Why cant we give it on Monday and let him follow up in Friday next time onwards. Why hand cases are made waited till Thursday and send for xrays and again called Thursday. Unnecessarily we are wasting their time rather than treating . we are harassing them I should say. Are these clinics for somebody’s existence or hierchercy to maintian ?

Then comes the case workup in the ward for admitted patients. By the time part of me is tired and part of me is dragging me to room for some rest. Oh sucks I am second on call today. Imagine I came around 5 pm in the room and I have to go at to the casualty at night waste their a minimum of 5 hours . No sleep nothing and come back by 5 /6 am . Now difficult to decide whether to sleep or be ready to go to operation theatre which starts at 8 am. Part of me cries for joining residency in AIIMS. I am never happy since I came here. Cause I could not mould myself for this environment but I have left nothing to do from my part. Otherwise part of me which caters honesty cires with pain. God this is the horrible duty. Sucks me….somtimes I wish I were a farmer like my grand parents . I never saw them such frustrated.

While I was coming from casualty I saw a dog busy with his masters for the morning walk. Thought how lucky the dog is . At least gets time for morning walk. He sleeps better than me and of course gets food in time, does little duty than me. We both are honest . in spite, he is perfect at honesty but mine is doubted many time. But difference is dog has personal life once his masters goes office but I don’t have. Dog gets holiday me not. Even he is scolded he bothers not but I need to..and more a way no body can fail him but my boss threats me. But there is similarity between us. Both of us stand begged in front of our masters. But nothing happens to dog if he does not want to but my boss can give me a starry look and say let your exam come. Dog can bark both his masters and rest but I cannot . I am feared to fail and only my master barks at me. This way dog can take revenge to master but not me . guess whose life is better . A DOG OR A DOGTOREEE.

Saturday, October 06, 2007

Post Pulse Depression ( PPD)

post pulse depression or ppd is a term frequently heard in aiims arena after pulse is over. young students from different corners hold their bag in the back, search train ticket and finally weave their hand and say "sianora aiims."

No more songs, no more loud speakers, no more sports and no more couple with hands in hands. AIIMS reverts back to its original forms. Hey guys! where is that charmming face? where is that sporting zeal? where is that so called an aiimsonian energy which makes you different from the rest?

Everyone is back to their mission. still there is something lacking in face. There is less oxygen in blood, a nicotine has still covered the grey matter. hope with passage of time things will be normal and post pulse depression will be setteled as usual years.

In the mean time guys check this video clip from pulse 07.

Thursday, October 04, 2007

Pulse 2007

Neither I am a good doctor nor a good writer. I am in a process of being a good doctor, being trained for that but I guess I can never be a good writer. Don’t want to hurt myself for not being a good writer too.

Either my patient or my pen only one can survive at once. Since I joined medical school my pen has shrunken down. Nearly cachetic, just like a cancer patient, waiting for a death. I want to write but what makes me stop I don’t know. I am not a literature student nor a journalist but I want to write.

Last week was a medi- fest in AIIMS called PULSE. Aspiring medi- kids gathered to their makka from 17- 22. Seeing them I concluded few of the things

Doctors are not only the book worms

They are damn good player also

Can sing and dance like professional

Can walk onto ramp, both body and beauty conscious

Surprisingly beautiful girls are becoming doctor unlike what I used to see during my medical school.

Sorry to say surprisingly beautiful I compare it with my student life. Boys used to select whom to see and follow. But now situation is reverse whom not to see.

Equally beautiful smart and really handsome girls are becommig doctors. It’s a change of time and trend {hey what I am writing is nothing very professional, don’t mean I am serious)

More than AIIMS pulse was my own pulse. AIIMS pulse was bounding and so as my own pulse . I had seminar right after pulse and I was not prepared. Infact I started late and I had to devote almost 6–7 night ( that too all pulse nights). Imagine young doctors are dancing and I was preparing seminar, searching journal, reading in library was damn difficult for me during pulse. But I had no option. I knew that pulse is there still I did not prepare the seminar beforehand. Any way I am a last moment guy. Whether be an exam, seminar or what ever.

The day I finished my seminar I felt so light headedness. For me to sleep was never a problem. It’s a matter of 5 minutes. But that day it took half an hour to sleep. I was really feeling relieved.

What I learnt last month is “Eat and shit at earliest free minutes in residency.” These days I am regular in meals. Buy hunger pains, buy peptic ulcer.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

last month

I am on duty. Who cares if there are no patients in the casualty? If I stay there they give me hundreds of works. So am I here in my room. Its been almost month I have not written for my dying blog. Its dehydrated I guess. Let’s put a sign of life in it.

Last month was hectic for me. My thesis work was going on and I was little worried. But I completed somehow. Presented in front of Profs in the department. As usual no praise only comments and critics. I am used to it. I know the department and I am living my own way. Any way I have almost done the thesis.

I am thinking of the next seminar on this month. One after another there is always a fear in the deep of my heart. I am a care free prototype, wants to live and love life. Don’t care anyone but still have to live the way my senior or consultants like. I hate it. I am a disciplined creature I like and love it. But I don’t want to be pressurized always. Bloody let me live my own way. Seems not possible till I come out of this institute.

Don’t know when I will get the call again. But till then let me enjoy my craps. This month I watched 2 movies. the most in number in my previous months ever. That too in the theater anyway it was a nice one.

A documentary or movie what ever “blue umbrella” I loved it. Reminds me at back home. The greenery, low terrain and similar dress up almost gave a feeling of being in kathmandu.

Worth to mention was I was hooked in the internet last month. Got a site to download some medical books. And downloaded almost all the orthopaedics books. This was the most interesting and satisfying work I did since I paid for the internet. Otherwise net for me was to chat back home and with few of my friends. The site was of great help for those who cannot pay for costlier books. And especially for a poor student like me. Who no where in this world is working for free in residency in a country called India. A live example of human labor exploitation in this earth.

Rest of the things are fine. Missed few of the nights without sleep. Meet few interesting people. Treated few of the patients and so on. Worth mentioning was an operation for the 10 year child. I did the complete surgery for that child. And it was no less than what my senior could do. So give me the chance I can give you the result. Bloody don’t consider us as an educated clerks. We can be a good surgeon in the coming years. If things are written in our destiny nobody can stop it whether you be a senior resident or a consultant. What happens, happens for the best in life.

Pager beeps.

Tring tring . contact casualty.

Sunday, July 29, 2007

angry me.

One more chapter.

Residency years are the worst years. You are practically a slave. Feel like doing or not; you have to do it. many a times you fell like exploited, cheated, and so on.

Whole night I was awake. Was about to sleep at 9 am. Suddenly came to know that sunil commited suicide. Ohhhh god. Can’t believe it. Came out of the room and it was. People were sad, some crying, some with extreme sorrow. It hurts more when someone more sincere and hardworking has to suffer. And same goes in AIIMS. When you can cheat consultants and they don’t notice it people call it talent. Wow. ..
Definitely sunil was not that type.

Hard working, smiling all the time, sincere towards his job this is how I know sunil.

I know him since last 2 years. We joined in the same year. He joined MCh. For the next one year I saw him running like a mad dog. For AIIMS consultants residents are like dogs. For me real dogs are AIIMS consultants. Since they bark I believe so.

For initial years residency is hell in south ASIA. This is how it is. What British taught them is slavery. First they were and now they want it. These people are powered with a so called degree. An A4 sized mere color printed useless paper, a dream of every medical student including mine. I would have not come here, had it been known to me earlier. I prefer MBBS rather than doing residency and wasting my fruitful three years in AIIMS. I don’t know about branches of medicine but surgery is like a brothel. No way u can learn surgery. Does not look like a teacing institute. Half of its surgery residents are in us doing residency in internal medicine.

I used to see sunil running in the casualty for getting a CT scan for head injury patients. Polytrauma patients with head injury he personally used to come to us. Always used to say “clear patients from your side. I will send the patients to some other hospital. But do it fast.” He was soft spoken all the time. I know neuro sx is hectic branch but he never used to look tired.

People rank ortho next to neuro in terms of hectic duty schedule. Still remember those days. Even I was stressed in initial few months and thought of quitting residency. More so after my batch mate resigned after one month. He could not bear he left. Again I was stressed and determined to leave after one year when junior resigned. I prepared resignation and was about to submit it. but again thought what I got after one year, and what is harm to consultants if I leave. Work will be done by other residents who are in the departments. So why to leave? better stick somehow and wait every single day to pass off. That’s what I am doing.

But neurosurgery consultants are very rude and harsh. Even we have some such characters. Whose sole work is to find out where resident is lacking. Raise the fault and highlight it till their orgasm. Our life is hell with these sadists in the department. what the f-cking human right is doing I don’t know.

But in the afternoon I could see some guilt in their face. The so called top neurosurgeon in this country ( no way they are) were hiding their face in the meeting with director. If God is there they should get a lesson in life. They should be punished for taking somebody’s life. After three years of rigorous residency if these bastards threat of failing candidate every body will be pressurized. This could be the reason behind the entire story.

Any way these rabied surgeons will never change their attitude. Cause their attitude is the reflection of their blood. If blood is polluted every second it pollutes your brain with every pump of the heart which is even getting same polluted blood. So I won’t expect much from these people. But one thing is clear you don’t have right to abuse residents in public in the mid of round.

May god rest his soul in peace. You were born to become surgeon and you will be wherever you go.

Don’t bother if somebody is teaching you or not. There is nothing you can’t do. So why to accept their slavery just to learn one or two surgery. Let our moral not be low. Lets not sell our self respect for the shake of bloody one surgery. If u don’t want to teach,don’t teach. I would love not to learn from u in such environment. Let us give MD in surgery not MS in surgery.

Oh its too late. should sleep now.

Friday, July 27, 2007

I can give headache to aspirin.

finished the book complications. i found the book superb. but what happened after that book is more than i can say.

light was not sufficient in my room. still i struggled hard to finish it . wake up whole night result was terrible headache since morning. i think i need to take rest . i have to give rest to my ciliary muscle which were tired of focussing inspite of bad light.

similar headache was long back as far as i remember. won't settle with analgesics. its all just because of my astigmatism.. sucks this astigmatism. .

slept for a while. no change in the magnitude of my headache. took diazepam and slept. bit relieved. learnt a lesson "dont strain your body for a mere satisfaction" what would happen if not i had finished last night. people learn from their mistakes. but how long?

got a long mail from ZENU. hostel life, performance anxiety, and homesick must be the problem to her. dotn worry everything will be alright. you are not too far from home and family. every week you can meet them.

i think i need to talk to her. will call her tomorrow.

need to sleep now.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

what a good book..

Complications: A Surgeon's Notes on an Imperfect Science

atul is a surgeon in us. borne from a indian doctors duo he completed his education in us. at the age of 40 he became a surgeon. he describes the life of a residents in us in this novel. its a collection of various articles published in various papers by atul. atul holds a powerful post in Clinton's government. he can be seen walking towards white house even. this is what i know about atul.

found this book today. i am planning to finish it today . lets hope i can do it. another noght out to finish it. tomorow is opd i think i can take a rest after opd.

half of the book is finished . found interesting as it reflects my personal life even being an up coming surgeon. it describes residency as same where ever u go. even in america residents are same. but back in india residents are treated like slave thats the difference.

will write more tomorrow.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007


I am a resident in orthopaedics in a center owned best institute of India.—two + years down, 9 months to go. I'm not allowed to make excuses. If a patient needs something done, I can't say, "But my shift is over," or, "I'm too tired." With 100-hour workweeks and many nights without sleep, I'm also trying to learn to be an orthoapedician..

This weekend I was on duty, which means start work at 8 a.m. on Saturday and not going home until Sunday 11:00 am. I have to attend OPD. See few of the patients till 12:00 and go to emergency.

7:30 I was about to leave my room. Got a beep. contact emergency 4706 urgent. Oh god. Its not even 8 and started getting calls. Reached ER. Two days old fracture pelvis managed outside came for definitive management. Patient not stable. Though not on support of any kind. Primary evaluation and investigation ordered. X rays –open book fracture pelvis. Fracture neck of femur right. Monoparesis right lower limb ? sciatic nerve injury. Ultrasound showed no visceral injury. Wrote for admission.

8:30 started OPD. The as usual crowd and never listening patients. Very tough to convince them esp. patients from bihar. For every tom dick and harry ailment. they come just to add more crowd. Bloody this is referral centre. Not the centre for back pain treatment. Get lost.

I was late to come to ER. Got several beep. I was hurried to finish my OPd card. Finished and rushed to ER at 12:15. no breakfast, now time to have lunch too. On top of that there will be many patients waiting in the emergency.

Good job done by my plaster technician. He had collected all the papers and arranged the patients in queue. 10 patients . 7 fracture and 2 ankle sprain and one soft tissue injury of hand.
Called one by one. Reduced 7 fractures and applied pop. My helper applied pop for ankle sprain and gave slab for soft tissue injury hand. So what? If there is no fracture any one can apply pop. And my technician sometime feels me low by putting a good looking cast. Any way took lunch or breakfast whatever at 3pm. While waiting for lunch wrote the papers for all ten patients.

While having food beep beep in pager. Contact ER urgent. Bleeding from brachial artery and fracture humerus,open wound. F**k these ER doc are the assholes they should try to stabilize the patient and give a call.. I added their work. Two units of blood, Doppler upper limb, x ray and vascular surgery opinion. wash the wound and give a compression bandage till I reach.

Informed my senior. God ! compound communited frature with brachial artery injury. Grossly contaminated. Asked for urgent admission. But no bed is vacant. Trial of salvage can be done if bed is vacant. Talked to vascular surgeon if they have bed . no bed vacant their side too. Patient send back to other hospital. Don’t know what happened to that poor guy. Must have been amputated I guess.

Started seeing the piled up cases. By the time I was free it was 7 pm. Ohh have to arrange for emergency operation. Few pending cases from ward were suppose to be operated tonight. Called the anaesthist. Bloody they are always busy. Don’t know what they does. The most no of people in duty is anaesthesia and they never give time to any of the department. every body thinks that they are busy somewhere and these bastards are sleeping or watching tv in duty room. Bloody enjoy your life till you are in institute.

Sighhhhh I feel like comiting suicide after 8. they will start calling from ward. You have to cover ward and ER. Both the places night time is busy. Called my junior how the ward is . he told patients are stable. Noting to worry. Ohh god saved me.

But who will save those bastards who will enjoy the booze weekend and fall or suffers RTA. The big headache in the night is such type of injury.
At last got call from anaesthesist. Shift the case. Hummmm whether to go for dinner or shift the case to theatre. .........Shifted the case to theatre.

Two cases one after another. My senior operated one and I assisted. For another one I called my junior and i did it. Thank god anaesthesist did not get call from other place and I got chance to operate. Otherwise they cancel next case and walk away.

2 am- went for so called dinner let me say treat. Whoever operates in night should give treat to assistant. Sounds good. I started this tradition. What u can get in the mid night except Maggie and cup of tea. Had it and went to attend call from ward and ER as well.

One patient could not sleep because of pain in the ward. Others are sleeping like hell. I sometimes feel greedy seeing people sleeping in the night for 8 hours. Its been years sleeping for 8 hours since I came here. Gave pethidine and phenargan for old man. God night! you will sleep even somebody lets u not.

Got call from ER .urgent. where to go and where not sometimes feels u like mad.. This time must be alcoholics and road traffic accidents.

Few head injury few limb injury. few needs admission. But I have no vacant bed list. Quickly disposed off few patients. Problem was with one of the head injury patient who need orthopaedic intervention also. Neurosurgery resident was expecting me to write for admission. But why me? why not him. Wrote in the paper – neurosurg to evaluate regarding admission and ortho will start intervension only after admission. No vacant bed with ortho E/M. This is enough for them. And enough to save my ass during round.

By the time I finished disposing patient it was 6 am. Now has to prepare for morning round at 8 am. Wrote progress notes for my bed patient. Prepared trauma register. Arranged x rays to trauma conference on Monday. It was 7:30 . now could not decide; breakfast or only tea/ coffee. Had tea and went for round. Emergency free from ortho patients.

My service, for acute trauma comprises 80 % of the surgical emergency patients.

The last time I was on weekend duty, I hardly got time to had lunch and dinner. and it was far busier, more like usual. 50 pager calls a day. Four sick patients post op recovery in needing to be checked every hours. Midnight Saturday. I need to go to the bathroom. My pager goes off. “Reach ER”. I figure that can’t wait. I get paged again. No other option than to wait myself going to bathroom . Ohhh god he died in the emergency before I reached there. sorry we are no one to save life. Its god who decides. Even we have to go……. I fill out the inevitable paperwork.

I reached the ER. The fat man is angry I took so long. I smiled at him and gave in indirect threat. If you were at my place you would not be smiling like me. I finally went to the bathroom.

Round started at 8 took two hours time to finish. I was dragging myself throughout the round. Slept standing many times like a horse. But I don’t mind it. whole night I had no sleep. No proper sleep and food. how can I sustain fresh in the round . after all I am a normal human. Sometimes I doubt I was normal before coming here but don’t know the current status..

Went to check the ER for pending patient though I did not get the beep. Finished the work, marched towards my favorite spot. Canteen and my onion parantha and curd. That’s what my dinner or breakfast or todays lunch. Once I sleep I will wake up at 6 pm….while eating I was remembering the article in NEJM “A frightening study, recently reported in the New England Journal of Medicine, found that long-haul truck drivers frequently nod off on the road. An accompanying NEJM editorial forcefully emphasized the safety importance of adequate sleep. Yet, somehow medicine's premier journal ignored physician training, in which residents work even longer hours without any sleep at all. If driving a truck on five hours of sleep is dangerous, surely taking care of deathly ill patients on no sleep is too.

Sucks after 6 again have to go to hospital….

Sunday, July 22, 2007


शान्त नदिको किनारमा उभिएर
पानिको कल कल सुनिरहदा
अनायसै छाल ले गाजिदियो
हुत्यायो, बगायो: हन्दर् ठक्कर;
मुठी भरी श्वास सँगै माना भरी पानि
जिन्दगी दोभानको भुमरिमा भसिदियो I

पढाईको दोभानमा भासिएको म
शैछिक मुग्लानिमा बिदेसिएको म
खाइ न पाइ शैछिक भिक मागिरहदा
उत्तर्दाइ भनौदा हरुको उनुतर्दाइ जवाफहरु
आगोनै ओकल्ने तिता कहरहरु
हरेक दिन मरेर ब्झिदै छु म
२ बस्त्र लगाएर पनि सार्वजनिक चिरहरन गराउदै छु म I

कमैया मुक्तिको आवाज गुन्जिरहेको बेला
असमानताको bridgeford मा हुन्दुस्तानी बिस्फोट हुँदै गरेको बेला
शाहाबन्सी राजा लाई उल्टो लोप्प लगाइरहेका नेपालि उभिदै गरेको बेला
असमानताको आगो बल्न सक्छ अखिल भारतीय और्बिज्ञान सस्थान मा

परबाट चर्को आवाजमा मध्यए दिन मा मैनबती बालेर
प्ल्लेकार्ड बोकेका नेपालिहरु निस्कन सक्छन
बिद्रोह गर्नेछन चर्का आवाजमा भन्नेछन
सरकारी उदासिनताको मारमा मुङ्लान पसेका शैछिक भिकारीहरुलाई
असमानताका जेल हरु छम्य छैनन
समानतका तराजुमा ऐकातिर काम् अर्कातिर दाम्।।

Thursday, July 19, 2007

thesis progress....

Feeling a bit relief. Imagine you found a public toilet in the mid market which you were searching like a hell since last two hours after finishing a full bottle of mineral water. Compare your face before and after going inside. This is a real pleasure i should say. Got a leave for few days . Instead of going home and wasting i am utilising it to finish my these. So is not it a comparable event.

Thesis is going on. I understood what is to be done and how to proceed. All charts and diagram are now used to . The horrible proforma i had made during protocol submission, i realise it was more than what i understood that time. Guess a newly joined guy in the department gets a thesis topic. He has no time sucking blood and getting the patient fit for surgery. How can he be able to study and give a good outline to a thesis. Any way i have come into a track.

If things go in the right track its a matter of next seven days i think. Its progress is not linear its exponential i should say. Rest is nothing great.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Thesis - The Pain

I have to submit my thesis soon. Probably, by the end of November. Till few days back it was lying some where I had not seen. We did not have mid term presentation. Our department is concerned to cut cut and cut, nothing else. Nobody would ask what is going on in our thesis part.

I was really worried how to finish thesis. What to write. How to gather information. Sleep disturbance was a common behavior since last few days. I started dreaming thesis with sleep disturbance. “The incomplete thesis and my struggle to get it signed.”

Since few days I am involved in it. I am fighting hard. Lot may works have been done. Now I can at least sleep peacefully. I think I have ample of time to complete it. Lot of papers I collected. Studied how to proceed my thesis. Master chart and statistics. I think I can finish it by next month.

Watery eyes, heaviness over back of my neck, hungry stomach. this is all thesis work in computer. I found difficult to work for longer time in laptop. And I have no option.

Guess I need a break.

Monday, July 16, 2007

I am reading more about michael moore this week.

An Open Letter to CNN from Michael Moore
Dear CNN,
Well, the week is over -- and still no apology, no retraction, no correction of your glaring mistakes.
I bet you thought my dust-up with Wolf Blitzer was just a cool ratings coup, that you really wouldn't have to correct the false statements you made about "Sicko." I bet you thought I was just going to go quietly away.
Think again. I'm about to become your worst nightmare. 'Cause I ain't ever going away. Not until you set the record straight, and apologize to your viewers. "The Most Trusted Name in News?" I think it's safe to say you can retire that slogan.
You have an occasional segment called "Keeping Them Honest." But who keeps you honest? After what the public saw with your report on "Sicko," and how many inaccuracies that report contained, how can anyone believe anything you say on your network? In the old days, before the Internet, you could get away with it. Your victims had no way to set the record straight, to show the viewers how you had misrepresented the truth. But now, we can post the truth -- and back it up with evidence and facts -- on the web, for all to see. And boy, judging from the mail both you and I have been receiving, the evidence I have posted on my site about your "Sicko" piece has led millions now to question your honesty.
I won't waste your time rehashing your errors. You know what they are. What I want to do is help you come clean. Admit you were wrong. What is the shame in that? We all make mistakes. I know it's hard to admit it when you've screwed up, but it's also liberating and cathartic. It not only makes you a better person, it helps prevent you from screwing up again. Imagine how many people will be drawn to a network that says, "We made a mistake. We're human. We're sorry. We will make mistakes in the future -- but we will always correct them so that you know you can trust us." Now, how hard would that really be?
As you know, I hold no personal animosity against you or any of your staff. You and your parent company have been very good to me over the years. You distributed my first film, "Roger & Me" and you published "Dude, Where's My Country?" Larry King has had me on twice in the last two weeks. I couldn't ask for better treatment.
That's why I was so stunned when you let a doctor who knows a lot about brain surgery -- but apparently very little about public policy -- do a "fact check" story, not on the medical issues in "Sicko," but rather on the economic and political information in the film. Is this why there has been a delay in your apology, because you are trying to get a DOCTOR to say he was wrong? Please tell him not to worry, no one is filing a malpractice claim against him. Dr. Gupta does excellent and compassionate stories on CNN about people's health and how we can take better care of ourselves. But when it came time to discuss universal health care, he rushed together a bunch of sloppy -- and old -- research. When his producer called us about his report the day before it aired, we sent to her, in an email, all the evidence so that he wouldn't make any mistakes on air. He chose to ignore ALL the evidence, and ran with all his falsehoods -- even though he had been given the facts a full day before! How could that happen? And now, for 5 days, I have posted on my website, for all to see, every mistake and error he made.
You, on the other hand, in the face of this overwhelming evidence and a huge public backlash, have chosen to remain silent, probably praying and hoping this will all go away.
Well it isn't. We are now going to start looking into the veracity of other reports you have aired on other topics. Nothing you say now can be believed. In 2002, the New York Times busted you for bringing celebrities on your shows and not telling your viewers they were paid spokespeople for the pharmaceutical companies. You promised never to do it again. But there you were, in 2005, talking to Joe Theismann, on air, as he pushed some drug company-sponsored website on prostate health. You said nothing about about his affiliation with GlaxoSmithKline.
Clearly, no one is keeping you honest, so I guess I'm going to have to do that job, too. $1.5 billion is spent each year by the drug companies on ads on CNN and the other four networks. I'm sure that has nothing to do with any of this. After all, if someone gave me $1.5 billion, I have to admit, I might say a kind word or two about them. Who wouldn't?!
I expect CNN to put this matter to rest. Say you're sorry and correct your story -- like any good journalist would.
Then we can get back to more important things. Like a REAL discussion about our broken health care system. Everything else is a distraction from what really matters.
P.S. If you also want to apologize for not doing your job at the start of the Iraq War, I'm sure most Americans would be very happy to accept your apology. You and the other networks were willing partners with Bush, flying flags all over the TV screens and never asking the hard questions that you should have asked. You might have prevented a war. You might have saved the lives of those 3,610 soldiers who are no longer with us. Instead, you blew air kisses at a commander in chief who clearly was making it all up. Millions of us knew that -- why didn't you? I think you did. And, in my opinion, that makes you responsible for this war. Instead of doing the job the founding fathers wanted you to do -- keeping those in power honest (that's why they made it the FIRST amendment) -- you and much of the media went on the attack against the few public figures like myself who dared to question the nightmare we were about to enter. You've never thanked me or the Dixie Chicks or Al Gore for doing your job for you. That's OK. Just tell the truth from this point on.

Enter theatre at 9 am after ward round. No break fast as I was late to wake up. As usual I slept late wake up late. What is new?

Starving theatre. Dehydrating too; these days air conditioner is not working. I hate lead apron. Once you wear it, shoulder pain dehydration and what not.

One case after another. Junior most has to run for everything. Bloody nobody consider for us. No break for ship of water. Forget about tea or coffee. Till 7 pm I was in theatre. Now difficult to decide. Very hungry , either go for dinner or snacks. Too early or too late for both.

Needless to complain. Who will listen you? Degree makes you cry beg and everything u can imagine or think.

Still remember that cute child. Who died yesterday. Who was known to me since last few days and under chemotherapy. God may his soul rest in peace.

Planning to study few pages from the text today.

Feeling happy, watched the documentary/movie by Michael moore – sicko.
All about American health policy. And scientific cheating by the us health insurance company. Any way it was great.

Nothing left to write , cause nothing is new to me . with a same boring routine what new can be expected.

Tomorrow I have 24 hours duty. Has to sleep early. Saturday night people will booze and come with fall and bike accident. Tortute to few hours sleep. So I don’t like Saturday duty. Day time will be cool but all of a sudden night time will be busy.

Interesting event was a call from a fren. A fren from school days. Whom I used to talk very less. But after school days she turned to be a good fren.she used to be regular with emails. “ any plan to get married ? is there someone u have searched ? oh god again pressure from colleague too.

I am tired of explaining the things. No time, no money, no girl frens, no tension. My life is unidirectional once I joined residency.

Please forgive me if I had been rude enough to explain you. And extremely sorry if she would been you relative. But this is my situation and I must explain it. I really don’t have time .

no more blog. Its time to study.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

nothing sounds good when u feel low. i was physically present everywhere but dont know what i was doing. come back from hospital and sleep. this was my routine for last few days.

sucks! when someone tells me this is viral infection. extreme body ache, fever, throat pain and cough. god let me live in peace.

i am determined no antibiotics this time. let my immunity fight against it.
started cough syrup. magic for dry and unproductive cough. more than it is no abdominal cramps after long dry cough.

rest is fine. have to start my thesis work now. its too late i guess.

still remember what my professor used to say "viral fever - one week with medicine and 7 days with out medicine." holds true i feel.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

residency or rape-dency

...... so tired. cannot describe how hectic was last night duty in A & E. don't have time to sleep even. gone for routine theatre after 8 am.. free after 6 pm. is it a crime itself or punishment for crime. what so ever it may be don't care now. still remember what my prof used to say in undergraduate days. " IF RAPE IS INEVITABLE WHY NOT TO ENJOY IT RATHER"
any way its time to sleep i guess

Why do students fail in exams...?

Why do students fail in exams...?It's not the fault of the student if he fails, because the year ONLY has 365' days.

Typical academic year for a student

1. Sundays-52, Sundays in a year, you know Sundays are for rest.Days left 313.

2. summer holidays-50 where weather is very hot and difficult to study. Days left 263.

3. 8 hours daily sleep- 130 days GONE.. Days left 141.

4. 1 hour for daily playing- (good for health) means 15 days. Days left 126.

5. 2 hours daily for food & other delicacies (chewing properly & swallowing)-means 30days. Days left 96.

6. 1 hour for talking (man is a social animal)-means 15 days Days left 81.

7. Exam days- per year at least 35 days. Days left 46.

8. Quarterly, Half yearly and festival (holidays)-40 days. Balance 6 days.

9. For sickness- at least 3 days. Remaining days=3.

10. Movies and functions- at least 2 days. 1 day left.

11. That 1 day is ur birthday. How can you study on your B'day??Balance = 0 "How can a student pass?

Friday, June 22, 2007

got a mail from fren. read or not to read?

Height of Honesty - A pregnant woman asking the bus conductor for one & a half ticket.
Height of Confusion - Two earthworms making love in a bowl of noodles.
Height of pain - A monkey sliding down a knife’s edge using balls as his brakes.
Height of Foolishness - A guy peeping thru’ the keyhole of a glass door.
Height of Itch - A fat man hanging (upside down) from a roof trying to scratch his balls.
Height of Innocence - A teenager girl applying Clearsil to her nipples thinking them as pimples.
Height of Unemployment - Cobwebs in prostitute’s cunt.
Height of Competition-.A guy peeing beside a waterfall.A topless lady standing near mount everest.
Height of Bravery: A naked man bending over to pick up a quarter on an island of gays.
Height of Disgustion: While wiping after a good toilet dump, your finger pokes through the paper.
Height of Technology: Condom with zip.
Height of Penetration: A baby girl born pregnant.
Height of Darkness: A negro searching for his penis in a dark room.
Height of fashion: A female applying LipStick to her vertical Lips.
Height of patience: A female lying naked under a banana tree and hoping for banana to fall in the right place.
Height of coincidence: And the banana falling in
HEIGHT OF PAIN: the whole banana bunch falls down..
Height of salesmanship: Monkey selling bananas
Height of laziness: A man marrying a pregnant woman
Height of coincidence: My Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time.
Height of Frustration: A boxer trying to scratch his balls.
Height of Trouble: A one handed man hanging from a cliff and his arse is itching.
Height of Noise: Two Skeletons having sex on a tin roof
Height of patriotism - Gandhiji using khadi condoms
Height of heights - a man shitting on Mt. Everest to make it two inches taller
Height of Laziness: A naked man lying over a naked woman and waiting for an earth quake
Height of patience - a naked man sitting on d beach after shitting n waiting for d tsunami to clean his ass…
Height of sophistication: sucking nipples with a straw.
Height of fashion: Baggy condoms.
Height of poverty:An woman stitching condoms for husband.
Height of patience:A man standing in queue to fuck his own wife.
Height of frustration: Sex with aishwarya is on sale for 100 Rs. and you have 99 rupees and 90 paisas only..

Thursday, June 21, 2007

imagine when things go 180 degree as you hope. i was sure today we wll not have routine theatre. so i was studying late night. early morning i got a call " reach theatre" few emergency and piled up cases are posted for today. .what a fack is this.

4 cases single teatre. it was a torture. finish one case and shift next . its was 3 pm by the time we were out from ot.

before i could decide to go for luch i felt very sleepy. for me , sleep first then comes food. let me sleep.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007


When I was an undergraduate pharyngitis was a real trouble for me. Almost every 3rd month I used to go for ENT check up. My consultant in medical school knew me very well. Every time same treatment with antibiotic coverage to prevent secondary infection. Was it allergic or infective? Always been a dilemma. I continued for almost 6 years with same problem.

I changed the place, came for post graduation and I was waiting for first 3rd month to find out ENT consultant to make him a good friend as usual. But there was no problem at al . I waited for next 3rd months and several more months but there was no symptoms. I thought I was relieved. It’s been 2 years I am absolutely fine. No more antibiotics. No more decongestants, No steam inhalation, nothing.

May be it was allergic. But I don’t know what I was allergic with. God knows. But I am happy that I am disease free.

Oh yes. Tomorrow we don’t have regular theatre. No headache going at 8 AM. No more standing. No more retractors haaaaa haaaa.

Time to listen my small radio. Lets go….

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Interesting duty

Pick up a sharp shining skin knife and dig it hard. Being a resident in surgical discipline u always think of it. Yesterday was my call day in A & E. I had posted few cases for surgery. Usually my senior used to come and snatched the knife. Me busy in retracting that’s all.

My senior felt sleepy and did not come to theatre. I was lucky. I called my junior and started. Palpitation, sweating was as usual in the beginning. Though it was not the first time I was operating surgeon still my hands were shaky. I stabilized myself and proceed. Ultimately things were normal I did what better could be done. It was not unfair to the patient that he was operated by the resident. When I gave the best what my senior could do upon him then what is the harm.

But the more interesting was a comment by a grey haired theatre technician at the end “given a chance juniors are equally competent.” Immediately I remarked “my pleasure - an ice cream next time for u man”

Yesterday my day in the A&E was interesting. I encountered some interesting fractures. Worth to mention was a “FLOATING ELBOW”. A 8 yr kid was playing climbing over a newly made brick wall. There was fracture of lower third of humerus and fracture of radius and ulna at same level. Kid was lucky there was no neuro - vascular involvement. Grossly displaced humerus was a concern. Book writes should be operated in floating elbow. Because of age and other factors I thought I should give a trial of manipulation. Oh god cant believe it was well reduced. Both the fractures of arm and forearm. I showed to the consultant even. He said ok. Close watch over fracture with serial x rays. I took a long breath at least I saved a kid from surgical worries and ugly looking scars.

Friday, June 15, 2007


It’s been so long I have not turned on my computer. 7 days; I should say. May be God knows the reason why? and so am I ! Hot summer of Delhi.

Scorching sun, dry and heated fields, mirage making roads, and of course my room- not less than a woven. Yes I am a summer refugee.

Student life of a poor resident. People don’t feel pity upon me. I don’t need a sympathy But empathy if u can. If not let it be. I am happy. Heart says keep on moving. Brain says no more journeys now.

They say “this summer is the worst summer ever and son who died was the best son I had” I am feeling this summer a horrible summer. I am tired of washing clothes. Don’t remind me I am taking bath two times which has never been an easy task for me. Still I have to manage till the summer goes.

Poor resident is proud and happy, still not using a credit card. No bank loans, not funded by any one. What more do I need. As usual I am happy.

Let’s come to the point. I was accommodated in my juniors room cause he has a lovely air conditioner. I even thought of buying an AC but my mind comes to a halt before checking my bank account. Hands feel warm and shaky. Foot feels temperate and heavy. So I don’t go to the bank even. Any way this is my last summer in Delhi.

Next year if things go right and in my favor who knows I will be in my heaven. Small country small people but simply living big hearted people. The country of Everest and Maoist too. The country of dying king but not a single good one to rule it. Oh god! my Nepal.

Friday, June 01, 2007

sleep deprivation.

cannot explain the experience of sleeping , especially early morning after 6 am. feel like sleeping hours more by the time tring tring says the alarm clock. sometimes feel like throwing the table clock but fault lies not in it.

since last few days not getting adequate time to sleep. headache and yawning has become my regular features. slow reflexes and low concentration level all must be telling something to me. but how can i explain?

i forgot when i last took the hypnotics. may be in the final of my MBBS exams.. time was horrible when i was appearing the final paper of university exam. oh past is dead past no use talking about it. but now i want to sleep but i have no time. how long can i sustain with sleep deprivation. i really need a break.

dont feel like writing blog also. my blog doesnot look like blog rather. how can it be like blog . i am a biologic machine has fix work fix routine. events are same . then what to write. really DONNO WAHT TO WRITE .PERFECTLY SUITS MY BLOG TITLE.

let me sleep 4 hours please.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007


I am going to finish my 2 ND year residency. next year i will be appearing for the exam. it really sucks me remembering the system of examination. concerned to find out what we don't know rather than what we know. A multipurpose worker is a resident in medical institution in Asia. get any sort of bloody shit work, utilise at the max, exploit till the end, rag at the most, and the harass till shamingly bluish. cant forget even if try to forget. regret sometimes being a medical student. everybody has the potential to excel. god knows the future .

till this month i was working in the department like a manual labourer. used to follow what they say. being serious for duty and work . reward is more work. more work less time to study, if get time to study there are various problems in this age. life is not like a machine finish work come to room and start studying. cant imagine how people can scold- you don't know this much. this is basic don't know this simple? this makes me feel low.

i can accept critics but not criticism and allegation cause we are not the criminal. lets maintain the dignity of profession. fail me if i don't know what you think is basic. all basic for you is not basic for other and out of all basic all cannot be memorised. this medical science is vast there is no limit of knowledge and limit of basic is unlimited. bloody one hour exam cannot access anybody. there is fault in your system. in a teaching institute like this if performance of all residents is low its your responsibility, you are failed not us.

but i need to think again. no more work now. save time and involve in reading. hope till exam i can answer few of the basics.

music and me

i am poor. doing residency for free. i dont have creative music system nor have i bose sound system. i have a local radio costing arround 200 rs. i dont have music collection nor have i bunch of cd or mp3s. but my radio turns on once i am inside room.

currently listening a song in radio titled oh ajnabi . i really love this song. carries no meaning to my life, doesnot resembles to my life. still i love it. its melodious. more so when i am in operation theatre and our small music system in operation theatre plays this songs. i cannot describe the situation. this song is so popular in FM channel. whenever FM channels are searched in our theatre music system there it comes. i feel refreshed after this song even tough i am standing for hours and hours. i feel more energetic . i dont care even if i am late to have lunch.

Part of the reason why I want to be a surgeon: you get to listen to music while you work. This is also why I love to go to our main operation theatre where spine surgeires are going on. few of our consultants love music in theatre. some surgeon doesnot like music while operating. i have noticed myself humming many times while assisting in surgeries. i guess i was influenced from my undergrad teachers who used to sing while operating. though this is not the healthy practice one can definitely listen song and proceed with surgeries.

oh god! tomorrow we dont have theatre. because of vacation we are off from one theatre per week. i dont mind listening my small radio. only problem is i have to wait till my favourite song comes.

Friday, May 18, 2007

residency vs slavery

what a f--king residency!

I’m writing a blank I suppose. just a situation compelled me to write like this . In these instances, I have learned, the optimal solution is to write something which just feels you to write. . Looking back I realize it’s kind of immature, but, right the way it goes in most south asian region.

Tomorrow, 8 am sharp, I embark on a new journey. I will be one of the poor face of the team. This team will encompase one house surgeon( PATTI and X-rays doctor) , one ward incharge (that is 6 months senior ), two surgery residents (mostly same batch who came in rotation), 3 junior residents but senior by years or two. 4 senior residents ( neither working properly nor taking responsibility BICHWALA) and 6 consultants ( A WALkING LIVE EGO COVERED IN SHINING LAPCOAT.)

To serve the readership yet unfamiliar with the medical hierarchy that governs today’s fine medical establishments I will now take the time to explain this stepladder of ass-slurpers. The understanding of this is essential for our future relationship and so if you have any questions feel free to ask.I will comprise the list to range from least kissed ass to practically dripping. Remember, each member of the team has a primary goal, a secondary goal (if applicable), friends and enemies. It is long; I am sorry for this, but essential for the upcoming month. Let us begin:

HOUSE SERGEON (1st yr resident)
Junior most and newly joined in the department. Came with high hope of being an educated and qualified doctor. Must have sacrificied better oppurtunities and few must have compromised the departments they like most. Loaded with steth, gloves, micropore, surgical blades and so on any time even if has to go to toilet. Literally spending most of time in the department. Comes early in the morning and leaves late in the mid night. A contineous machine with no smile in the face with regular features of skipping fuels – meals. Still active. Has potential spikes of quiting degree and run away from ass sloughing brothel. Few really can make it happen. Half of the time running from nooks to corner for no reason ( delevering sample to lab if late or ordely has just left your sample because you are late by minutes, collecting their reports, collecting cultute and histopath reports cause by the time they come at their own (government orderly brings) it will be too late for the patient and consultant will eat half of your brain. Even if it is not prepared consultant will think you are telling a lie. The main hurdle of this young guy is getting a portable xrays, CT scan , MRI and other tests ( most of which very few knows where it is done inside or outside the college. Getting a early date is most difficult task for him more than it is getting it’s report and more than that really a victory is getting a film of CT, MRI. Fuck! patient pays for these investigation and they don’t hand over film to the patients and this poor guy has to run to issue the film. Find the senior resident in radiology in duty that day. Plee in front of him, he will talk big as if he is the consultant. Approach the radiology consultant he will scold you first, shower his anger and fraustrations upon you and finally after wasting 2 – 3 hours films comes in hand. Poor he goes for breakfas then. But its almost lunch time. Poor he never has time to read what is written in the report or how many film are inside. Its non of his business. Everyone ask why not these ? why not those? Gets puzzeled whom to listen and whom not. But nobody even dares to ask did u have lunch? Did u slept well last night, or are you getting time to study. Is everything fine in your home? Or you want a short break and say hello to your old parents.

Primary goal:
To impress patients and realtives by providing a PANI and PATTI and DABAI. Apart form them he has to impress his ward incharge as well as consultant. Comes in round with details of patients and a detailed X-rays and iamging perfectly arranged in orders carrying all the way in round (nearly 20 kgs holding for 2 hours). X-rays says the consultant and there it is. Take it out latest to late in orders if not he will be strangulated with words.

Secoary goal:
To become a ward incharge or ward head differs department wise. Best friend is ward incharge. Can share feelings when both are scolded like a street dogs in frot of patients, attendents, or openly in the lobbey, in any case someone dies in ward or they are late or a feeling of smooth running of ward is questioned. Interestingly enough, they are each other’s enemy as they are always being judged comparatively to each other. This undercurrent of hate is masked very well and only a thorough Freudian understanding of the subconscious can uncover it. Has a single target of discharging of patients in medicine/ pediatrics and PAC clearence in surgical departments. For whole six months they stands nowhere in the department. They are just like a contineously workign machine at spinal level- not to decide at their own.


Sounds like big but generously small. Just promoted form house sergeon. Projected to be a big face for patient. Sounds really good if consultants tell patient to talk to ward incharge and run aside from his responsibility of talking to patient. For me ward incharge is like a boil at the bottom of scrotum of a newly married young male. Doesnot take part in action ? Because house surgeon takes care of rest of thing and still can not enjoy? Due to constant pain. Though he has oppurtunity?
A middle man between commandents and field worker. Certainly has to work like field worker in few places where house surgeon fails to prove his efficiency. Mostly collecting CT/MRI films, sending few academically acclaimed investigation to satisfy intellectual masturbation of consluntants. Fully loaded with newer gizmoos like cell phone/pagers. A walking encyclopedia of patients . answers phone every 5- 10 minutes starts with YES SIR, I WIL DO IT SIR, YES SIR , FIT SIR, AND A PAUSE IN BETWEEN MEANING BY HE IS GETTING A HARSH SCOLDING. A MEDIUM TONE SORRY FOLLOWED BY CAN I DISCHARGE THAT A. B . C SIR? Synonyme of this half grown resident is discharge doctor, incharge with no power exactly like our prime minister manmohan singh. Less patient means less work is his principle.
His enemies are senior resident off course house surgeon and at most the sick/old patients. very well known as LIAR. Every body complains that ward incharge tells a lie . he is spyed many times by senior resident, house surgeons, and sometimes by ward sisters for bosses. Finally a man responsible for iatrogenic anaemia of sick/ old patients. god knows how much blood he has to suck to keep them alive otherwise he has to sacrifice his ass.
Primary goal:
Make patient feel happy- medicine
Make patient fit for surgey- surgical branch
Make house surgeon feel happy-an obedient prostitute
Aggressively discharge patient
Oh god one more sick patient – donno when he will be fucked for his death in mortality meetings

Secondary goal:
Avoid multiple rounds – every consultant catches for their admitted patients. waste half of his time in roaming for rounds.
Save my own ass- ready to blam upon anyone except house surgeon.
Try to remember patients investigations details- nonsense
Try to smile even with fully torne ass during rounds.
To leave from ward early- but not possible


Poor people at the most receiving end. Impression of hopeless, work cheater, and knows nothing. Any one can come and shine his anger upon these young doctors. Mostly are victimised by senior residents. Burdened with senior residents work( cause they will exploite these residents for getting their work) easy way is to tell boss wants you to do this, which boss must have infact told him to do. Now he has no option neither he can go and ask boss nor he can deny it. A common victim by senior residnts and consultants to satisfy their intelluctual orgasm. They have tendency to ask what they have read previous night whether related or not to subject matter. Starts scolding “ don’t you know this little thing?” Won’t tell the answer and tell GO AND READ !
Bastards ! there are crores of basic things in medical sciences and all can not be recalled at once. What your brain register may not register by others brain. And do u really know all the basics in life? If yes, you would not have barked like a street dog even after being a doctor. And main thing is you were at the same herd few months back. Feel your ass its still licking. And don’t consider yourself to be an inborn intelligent. We even know your detail. We don’t reply doesnot mean we cannot. Junior resident in surgical fields literally gets fucked by these pseudo consultants ( senior residents). Inspite of being a teacing institute you are not interested in teacing juniors. Nobody ask you what you have finished, what procedure you have finished, what left? What I need to help you.

Primary goal:
To impress thesis guide- exam is ahead
Not to fail
To become SR- who don’t want to let their ass heal.

Secondary goal:
Keep juniors happy-motivated and feels that juniors are at their side
To learn from seniors residents – possibly from same state/casts and offcourse who doesn’t scolds u much. All are not the same. These are few good in this earth.


Few of the white elephants which medical colleges pay for. These are parasites for institutions who has association with juniors for survival and consultants for working. Never ready to take responsibility. Always sift their work to junior residents. Best known as spy and working obediently for consultants sometimes. So never trusted by junior residents. Ready to entertain intellectual orgasm by asking few questions and not answering them. Always trying to run away from department and works.

Primary goal:
Work less and get more.
Dreams of becoming consultants.

Secondary goal:
Focussed for publication
Operates – surgial fields
Procedures –medicine departments.


Young energetic new doctors who are concerned more on attendance and run away. Come for face presentation in the department and shines away. Still not decided what t do later. The residency what they see from close is definitely distracting or enculcating a feeling of hate of doing residency in India. Still in transition whether to go abroad or accept slavery here itself. Those who are welloff think of kicking this fucking residency. If you have to become a slave why not to become a slave of polite/ cultured master with reward for what you do.
Primary goal:
To arrange money for abroad exams
To finish target based preparation if it is mcqs.
To release the fraustration of undergraduate life- enjoy sometimes.

Secondary goal:
Learn basic procedure in no time . L
Leave the ward in a lightenign speed.


Primary goal:

Come for 2 hours in morning, gives instruction, and leave as fast as possible, keep name out of chart so no one knows who to sue later. Busy for private practise outide – unethically and don’t hesitates to teach moral science to his residents. All. Enemy: Remain completely oblivious to the ass smooching going on around you. Wipe ass off after morning round.


Well educated and grey hair reflecting vast experience. Still with cranium full of ego. A government employee whom government trusts after their retirement they will produce equally competent successors so that health system runs smoothly. But what these grey haired thinks that they will never die and hospital is their private property. Mind it moron its your working place and our teaching institution. So you are paid for treating patients and producing a well manared competent doctor. Mind it when you are dying even you need a medical attention. One has to leave this earth. No one is immortal here what remains is your good deeds.

Secondary goal:

Try to remain seemingly very humble, once in a while outbursts with his anger and scolds everyone ( esp residents) either in wards, infront of patients in between the rounds, but never in rooms. which makes every patients/ attenders feel like resident knows absolutely nothing/ should give up his medical license and go back to medical school. This reflects the fraustration of either getting pressurised from ministers/leadres, going cold relations with wife, or poor performance from kids in school or a feeling of guilt of proffesional unsuccess.

This is the system within which we all operate and we are doing residency.

Friday, May 04, 2007

digital camera.

i feel like laughing at myself sotimes. people smile upon their mistakes but i feel like alughing . since long i am planning to buy a digital camera . situation compelled me to buy one camera. sometimes interesting cases come across your table and u will be helpless. next time they never come to you.

if this can be captured it will always help a lot. problem in getting a digital camera is i dont know the exact place from where i should buy. next i donno much about this delhi. and if i get my frens help that time i may not be having money in my hand. i need to think twice before investing for it.

i hope i will buy anyhow next month. hope everything goes fine and smoothly .

Wednesday, April 18, 2007


The memory lingers. It was a wind-swept day in the Himalayan kingdom, a blind alley of Jorpati–2 Nayabasti, The sun played hide and seek with the clouds.... and a child burst into tears; a ray of hope for the parents and a jubliant moment for the relatives, began his journey. A journey as distant as horizon, a journey of life. Yes! it was 5th august.

I was admitted to a nearby school, Amar Adarsha Madhayamik Vidyalaya-Baneshwor, the school of life where I studied the books of nature for 10 years.

To overflow with ideas , to put up the good fight; a fight of hand and mouth-a fight of survival. It needed a higher education.

Mind was not constant, as inconstant as moon. Finally I joined Viswaniketan Science college-Tripureswor, taking biology as my major. Dissection of formalin killed frogs and slippery earthworms made me “Pseudo-Doctor” . But my goal was as far as the two poles, difficult not easy like ABC….. .but not impossible.

They say success is sweet but its secret is sweat .It was the year 1998 sweet turned into tears, the tears of happiness rolled from my eyes and trickled into my mouth. Wow! it was sweet like honey. The year 2004 awarded me the degree of medical graduate.I become a Doctor(one of the happiest moment in my life.)

The year 2005 gifted me a mind boggling success. I joined residency in All India Institue of Medical Sciences, a dream destination of every medical student for residency.

For me living and loving oneself is the beginning of life long romance. Sleeping is my hobby. A great support system "HAPPY-GO-LUCKY" is the flash of inspiration in my life.

Friends should be as alike as two peas. Friendship as clear as crystal mean the world to me.