Tuesday, July 15, 2008


Don’t know what is happening with my fingers. Pain of unknown origin started from right index finger and slowly has involved the index ginger of another side. The proximal and distal both joints along with metacarpophalangeal joints cry with severe pain. Pain starts early in the morning and is associated with stiffness. Slowly my shoulder joints started crying. Don’t know what is happening??????

The stiffness was even associated with mild swelling of the small joints of hand. Till now there is no other joint pain. Back stiffness was there since long. Nearly 15 years. The listhesis is another worry but the stable nature gives me a relief. But the pain and stiffness I can correlate well with SSA. I don’t know is it another entity or associated with the joint pain of recent origin. I am confused and really worried. More than me, a little plastic surgeon growing inside me, is crying. God how can I fulfill my dream of becoming a plastic surgeon.

More than that the culprit may be psoriasis. The skin lesion is not flared up till now and the sudden association of psoriatic arthropathy like pain is my concern. If it’s psoriatic arthropathy, I consider myself like my hands are amputated. A surgeon and psoriatic arthropathy. Ha ha life treats you the way God likes not the way you love and expect. But whatever happens, happens for the best and accept it.

It’s better to wait for the tests and wait till I can take a deep breath. Its not relieved at all. Mild conscious pain is there in spite of analgesics coverage. Really clue less what is going to happen next. Wait and watch………..

Monday, July 14, 2008

index finger sucks..

dont know the reason why my index finger hurts so much. no history of trauma. was little worried for it. slowly my cough is resolving.

when you have to become your own doctor you feel like you are patient more than doctor. so you are worried. my worry lead me to an rediographer. heavily protretced with lead apron and safety x raied my index fingure. its looks normal. but the reason mhy it hurts is still unanswered. any way will wait for few days to go and pain to subside. tomorrow will send blood for uric acid.

no more computer now. it may be the culprit...

Sunday, July 13, 2008


Slept till late morning. What is new in it? Same routine since last few months. Planner was almost like previous day cause i am lazy these days. Finished few works and few left for tomorrow. Imagine how lazy i am!

Any way i have to finish rest of the works by tomorrow, and study? Don't know what i am doing these days. Must finish those books that i have planned to finish. and when to arragne books, god only knows. when to write those artticle that i have collected?

Am i on the plateau phase or lag phase of my study? Cant decide but i need to come to log phase soon.

Index finger hurts to much, why? mouse? typing? no more computer for few days.

Tired, fraustrated, depressed, monotony, anhedonia, no no no. then what? May be tired.

So what for i am playing with computer, better sleep now...
gud night.

Friday, July 11, 2008

On a way to delhi..

I am extremely sorry if I am harsh and rude…….

The day, 03.07.08, I left for kathmandu was memorable. Travel agent forgot to write my name in air ticket and it led me to an enquiry by security. I could easily handle the situation that I just disappeared for minutes and asked the security to find me the office for the same airlines. About 15 min later I came with my name in ticket. I know how to copy handwriting and signature. Though I don’t misuse it and no one is the victim till date.

I wrote my name in the ticket in the similar handwriting. And just solved the problem in minutes. I was inside the airport with in no time. But the big hassle was to wait for the check in. Since my flight was delayed they did not allowed us to check in and get the boarding pass. I don’t know the reason why they were reluctant for not getting us in. It’s better for the airport security. The more one spends time inside, the more one finds the loop holes. But imagine our condition. Flight is delayed for 7 hours and we were forced to stay in side airport carrying luggage and stuffs. Had our check in been done we would have waited inside in a comfortable position. It reminds me the bus stand and waiting for the driver to come who was drunk last night and is yet to reach to start the journey. As per the regulations nothing was provided not even the information. We were informed at 11 o clock that flight is delayed that too verbal. One gentle man came and told in HINGLISH (partly English and partly hindi). I thought it’s no use to open mouth to those who falls in the category who does not deserve to discuss the issue. Is it the issue that a security should come and inform where are the other personnel, who are paid in handsome amount and still sleeping giving a damn care to the passenger? Any way I landed in kathmandu at 5 with the pride in the cosmic crews that they were kind to us that they landed us in kathmandu.

What I thought is the country is in deep coma and a big loss, so the contribution of 7 hours and hassle in my personal level is nothing as compared to the condition the country is getting in. But the issues is not the flight delay, issue is the hopeless and preventable matter that is not taken care of. Nobody has right to kill our precious time. If time is not important in business of airline sector definitely time is life, duty, honesty, promise, money and everything in my profession, where a life struggles with in fraction of second. Or is it the price I am paying for being the true country lover. Is it the price I am paying for promoting the national airlines? For me money matters not and I can approach to get the ticket of other airlines in spite of their tight unavailability.

Once again I thought of trying the same airlines to get back to Delhi. It’s my final and last promise not to promote the national airlines. I am ready to travel by any XYZ airlines. My first criterion to exclude the airlines is the national airlines in any route. I am once fooled and if you are fooled twice its time, you have to reconsider your ideas. I believe this and this holds true to everyone.

Today, 10th July my ticket shows the departure times 7:05 am. And a red stamp shows reach airport 2 hours before the departure time. Interesting thing is our airport is like a cinema hall. People have to wait for 6 am to enter. It’s a new and its own kind of international airport where we are bound to wait to enter for the door to open. Reached at 5:10 and was made to wait to open the door. Heck! What is this? Why not to start the flight time after 8 am when your door starts opening at 6 am? So is not it the idiocy proven self in front of the international tourists.

Was there in queue with luggage and wasted almost 2 hours. The holy gate was opened at 6:15 am. The security presented them as if they are the flight crews. The time where energetic youth were heading to Dubai and Quatar, it was a nice time pass. Everybody was busy knitting their own dream. Who cares about the 2 hours delay, who has already left the train of life long time back and just waiting in the station for the another train to come and pick them up. After one and half hour in queue I reached to the gate gunned by security. He says cosmic is delayed and go that side, the other building where the office of cosmic is. Any way I am helpless, I am paying enough to get embarrassed, hurt, and an early morning I am cursing somebody, the time I need to pray for god. Who is responsible for my bad mood? Officer! I paid for your ticket the amount you asked but do you dare to pay my loss. The charges of surgery I perform the loss I bear for not reaching in time and will you answer my patient for why I am late? Would you mind to say sorry?

I marched towards the security of the gate where cosmic office is. How funny was the guy who just says there is nobody in cosmic’s office? You wait here till 11. Dumboo! Who has given you power to say so, without knowing the truth. You are paid for your duty and you failed to perform it.

Any way I entered the cosmic office and showed my frustration. My concern is if you have rescheduled the flight why not to put a written notice in the entrance so that one can manage his time. And today I came to know that same is the condition since long.

Moral of the story cosmic taught to me is “ DES BHAKTA HUNU AFNO LAGI HANIKARAK CHA”

(This is what I wrote in my stay in cosmic office. Thanks for giving me an opportunity by delaying the flight. All passenger wasted time in the airport talking about country and its fate, but I am concerned with cosmic’s fate. I love cosmic so I wrote it; else I don’t care and can travel in any airline I wish to. Please officer you are free to write me. Any way the improvised and edited portion of this will be published in national newspaper soon. Anticipating your response, thanking you in advance.)

On a way to home...

Slept at the time when I used to be most active. It’s a punishment for me if I have to sleep at 12 midnight.

Got up at 5:30 am right the time I used so sleep. So my day was disturbed and night too. I was excited to get into the air bus as early as possible. But how? This time the journey to airport was exceptionally shorter didn’t know the reason. After few blinks of eyes I was nearby the airport. May be I slept in the auto. A guy who can sleep any time in this earth, no matter standing, sitting or even eating sometime is not a now event for him.

Happiness and worries at same time and its not your working place, imagine the condition. My situation was almost like that, when I was stopped to enter the gate stating that my name is not written in the ticket. My travel agent forgot to write my name in ticket, is it negligence or mistake? And I could not notice it before hand. Had it been a prescription I would have noted the mistake. Ha ha.

I talked to my travel agent and wrote my name in the similar handwriting with similar color pen. Thank god I carry blue and black pen most of the time. Here black pen made me enter the airport. I saw my travel agent just arrived when I was about to enter. Thanks for his concern, though I had solved the problem at my level. Any way I was inside, breaching the boundary of security and was traveling without name. It was a narrow escape in fact.

Another funny part of m journey was repeated cancellation of flight in successions. Every half an hour announcement was being made after 11 and the final call was 3:15 pm. My intelligence desperately knocked my investigating center in my brain. My assumption was they cancelled the flight because of less inadequaate passenger. Who wants to bear loss in such critical period where fuel hike has already touched the sky? Yes they had cancelled the morning flight and clubbed the morning and evening flight.

After 11.30 am I checked in and got the boarding pass. Now I was happy that if they cancel the flight they have to make an arrangement for stay in hotel. Now I was dreaming of staying in a 5 star hotel in Delhi. I was not in a hurry now. There was no alternative.

In between I got the emigration clearance but the hand bag was not tagged with airlines sticker. So I was stacked in the lounge mid way between immigration and final security. I was sent back to get the airlines sticker. Now I could not reach the area where I can get the airlines sticker cause I had to cross immigration and immigration is one way traffic. Once you are in you don’t dream of coming same route. Security said wait till the airlines personnel comes and help you. But when they would come no body knows. Probably they come just before departure. I was going through tough situation. Waited for a long. In between a beautiful girl came and asked why who and where? She was from THAI airlines. She tagged my bag with THAI airlines immediately and said go. Ticket and boarding pass from one airline and hand bag from other airlines. It was a big joke that none of the security bothered to see it. They just wanted to see some tag in hand bag. Had they been little bit keen I would have trapped like anything. What a big joke. I am once again sorry for breaching security in my own way. I thought today is my bad day and things goes unnoticed in such day and troubles till you cry. I was lucky that I escaped with minor embarrassment all the way. Thank god nothing went wrong. I was searching for a better place to throw my body in ease. Was coughing continuously, dry and husky cough with chest pain and what not. Really was coughing like a chronic smoker. Yes I am a passive smoker.

When you feel like abusing the culprit you search his enemy first. You just poke once in such situation then the rest is done by the crowd. I was waiting for the opportunity. I meet another passenger who had been victim of flight delay by same airlines. The father of one kid and wife standing nearby started like anything and cursed as if it passes to generation and generation. For me it was first time I was waiting so long in airport.

I believed I could join lunch with family but I was feeling sorry for asking them to cook for me too a day earlier as my flight was at 9 am and its one and half hour flight. Oh god it’s so difficult to get vegetarian eatables in the waiting lounge. Idiots nobody consider for us. Funny thing was there was no television and things to pass time in the waiting lounge.

Ultimately I reached the exit of boarding. Life is too uncertain and you get disappointed when things do not follow as it should be and your way. Yes I was disappointed and hurt by cosmic airways.

Finally 7 hours long waiting came to an end and I marched towards the airbus. Slowly I was heading to my land. The land which gave birth to my mom and me as well, the land where I was taught the lesson of life in whatever form. My happiness, my sorrows, my tears, my smile, and the feeling of being a complete citizen. As soon as the plane took off I felt weightlessness. Why not I feel the weightlessness? I was really beyond the reach of the burden of work, the responsibility, the punctuality, consciousness of being a doctor, this that and what not? My god few of the seats were still vacant. God save the private airlines, government airline is already grounded, so what? Is the bus and train journey the only alternative then? If so I don’t feel like visiting places.

Plane was slowly vanished in the silvery cloud. And after one and half hours later beautiful cabin crew announced that we are about to land in kathmandu international airport. Outside temperature is 24 degree and its 5 pm local time, 5:45GMT. The moment I came out from airbus, a cold shooting breeze kissed my neck and slapped my check. I thought even the air is not happy with me for being an academic refugee. Kissed my neck because it really had missed me and slapped with love because it still loves me to be here. I thought there is no place climatically better than my kathmandu. Am I wrong? Definitely not….

Kathmandu has changed a lot. Earlier my flight used to be in the evening or night. So true picture of kathmandu used to be incomplete in my mind. This time I saw the real kathmandu suffocated with many new concrete forests and wild creatures of this forest. Yes people have changed a lot. The typical nepali of being polite, honest, clean hearted, and an unexplained typical nepali essence, where they have gone? I felt country has marched to globalization amidst poverty.

Shortly I reached the place I was desperate to enter. Oh god they have changed the main entrance. A beautiful new metal gate was the first picture attracted my mind. Slowly I peeped inside it wow, the same greenery, and same garden exactly similar 2 years back. Thanks all for your continuous labor and interest to maintain it. for a man who has no where to go apart from typical dettol smelling wards, formalin smelling theatre and crowded OPD it was like a heaven. In fact going heaven alive and with out ticket if one needs to pay for it in wildest dream to go to heaven. Phuchu barked at me showing his sadness of leaving alone. Barked for a while and surrendered as if he is under my custody. Came closer and kissed my nose. Wow he is same as I left 2 years back. Same intimacy, love and affection, after all I shared same bed when he was too small. Still remember cleaning my bed sheath when he used to be naughty enough not to go outside for ……. Home burst into tears so as me. I felt sorry for staying outside far so many years, but it was a need . I consoled my home, garden, and room. But how can I stop my bed. It laughed like a mad and showered the tears, tears of happiness trickled down the bed and I was flooded in its love.

Met every member of home and I felt elated on their welcome. They forgot I was approaching 30 and showed the same love as if I was just a kid. God I pray, make me a kid always in front of them. My study room, where I learnt to cook food is same it was before, it disguised the smoky wall for my welcome. In fact it was recently painted. Sat for minutes and refreshed the memory of various stage of my life, a crying neonate, a consolable kid, learning ABC, doing homework, reading comics keeping inside book to cheat mom and cooking food, all ran through my eyes flashing the perfect visual memory. Thank god human brain is super computer, no fear of virus disabling to retrieve data, no chips, no pen drive, and no floppy required to process data. It is store inside internal hard disc; yes it is a black box of human organ.

Day one came to a halt after finishing dinner. Imagine self grown green vegetables and rice. God can’t imagine how I was alive with hostel food. After all its necessity of life so compromise is inevitibale. Can’t resist further without going to my bed.

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

hello kathmandu...

An unexpected call broke the silence in my room. I forgot to change the cell profile to silent, so was forced to get up from bed early. I am tired to receive unnecessary call. I can but don’t want to switch off the cell because no one knows the real emergency in spite of you not being on call. Imagine early morning a call from my earlier thesis patient and asking when to come for follow up. Idiot! I have well written when to come for next follow up, considering the summer vacation of consultant in advance. I don’t want to put them in trouble so receive the call it doesn’t mean u give a call any time u want. I can consider the late night calls but early morning calls are a real NO NO to me, that too moron why would you want me to give a surprised first ever call from the PCO, is it that necessary to call me from PCO so early when I am getting ready to sleep. Stupid he was informing me that he got the ticket reserved for next month and just wants to say that he is coming. God save me from such idiot so called my thesis patients.

Day was as usual. I went late to OT. But was not in the mood of operating or assisting. So opened my computer and started playing with my books. In between was rewarded with the typical clerical job. Laxman check this presentation and refine it. What!!!! is this? Truth is the useless presentation needs to be remade and one presentation means 3 days minimum. You need to study extensively about it and only then the presentation can be made. Tired of this stupid work cheating and responsibility putting forward hierarchy especially to those who says YES OK even in extremes. I am as usual the victim of it.

I am writing those craps for someone who will deliver lecture in front of similar species and will be boasted with nose flaring attire. Since yesterday I was fighting preparing my resume. The self selling few pages crap filled with the so called best or the best of what so ever of worst even. So I am scared to write the best out of me. So I will try to manage with the few else it looks like advertisement to get the job which I hate. No need to sell myself that I deserve for. Sooner or later I get what I deserve. I am not even obsessed with to make the things happen that is not in my part. So God give me some that I can take care of. Else I will pamper with what I am not meant for.

Excited to be in home on 3rd. it’s almost 2 years I have not been to my place. What this hostel life gave me is a degree of MS, apart from this I am a looser in all aspect. I forgot many of the familiar faces in the family, many of them left to be in heaven, many kids are grown up, many are married and many are adding population amidst their own insecurity. Left home with the beautiful silky hair, shining skin, furry beard, and under weight to my age, don’t know how the things changed in life. The complete stressful days and night though you have exam or not. Single stretch back paining exam preparation, callosity underneath the ischium bone, continuously opened books and markers though you feel like studying or not and frequent visit to tea stroll landed me alone in such a pitiful condition. Continuous mental and physical stress for years and years weakens anyone and I am not the exception. never forget to mention those tones of potatoes, quintals of tomatoes, trucks full of bread, similar amount of rice and few kilos of green vegetables and few milligrams of my favorite vegetables; declares me the under nutritioned species though how healthy I look. Whatever I am not asking for the return for what I have done. If at all I have to ask will ask for a peaceful life, far from politics and interference from those who are incapable of.

The typical day planner has come to an end with most of the works getting cross marked. Only hassle is getting the no objection and clearance from some 40 places that I have never been and seen too. Will finish few more tomorrow. Is not it too late to stay alive.

Good night Katmandu, feel me the way you used to feel me some 9 years back. Yes! Again I am falling into your lap soon. kiss me till my cheeks starts bleeding, lips starts swelling, cause the state of homesickness has cyanosed my body as if I have no blood inside. Accept me my home, welcome me my garden, and don’t bark at me my puchhu. And…. and smile my family..